Why I Drink (An Ode to the Past I Was)

I smoke to get high
I drink for the taste
and when my taste gives out
I drink till pass out.
Cause I want to be rid of my sense
…but can’t wait for them to return.
Alcohol is poison,
but I’m trying to kill the depression
that resides inside of me.
The drinking, the getting drunk,
the waking and sobering up
are as close to me 
as the little things
like my rapping a past 
that sober me would never mention.
Or trying to kiss girls
that I had made as friends.
Perhaps for that reason.
It’s the experiences
between us that made me trust you.
…Maybe that is how I will die.
Vomiting and shivering.
I should have started to stop at 7.
But that was blasphemy
although 13 was bad luck.
In cloudy retrospect
I can’t remember where I stopped
though I began when I started to think.
…I don’t know how to stop that.
Not on my own yet.
In truth…
This is more than the drinking.
This is more than getting drunk.
This is more than the waking and sobering up.
This is a battle to keep your memories
while still trying to forget you.
I’m an imaginary friend.
Nephew.
Student.
Person.
I’m sorry for the lack of visits.
Conversations.
Moments.
Together. 
They were few.
You were leaving.
I couldn’t stop my life for that could I?
Should I?
For but a mere day…
why didn’t I?

The Grey of my Mind

Tell me the size of your eyes.
I want to devise 
a way to get inside
your mind.
Tell me
what will I find?
You and I
two of a kind
both blind.
Me in one way.
You on Sundays
though we were still learning.
So redux
Another redo.
This is everything
we’ve already been through.
Walking in a land 
under.
Thinking of this makes me
wonder.
This is reality torn
asunder.
If it made sense
It was me pretending.
Like a cheshire cat
Your darkness is grinning.
Off with my head
to get ahead.
No sorrow or lust
you felt nothing instead.
I was wedded 
to you in my head
so i dreaded this.
I did not expect it.
These changing signals
made me feel epileptic. 
This is a minor stroke
but if I take a toke
I can cloud my mind in a cloak.
Then dream and pretend.
This is not as it seems.
Or the end.
It’s a testament.
To me, myself, and my memories
that I cannot get sentiments 
imprinted on the grey
of my mind.

 

Life in Sin

You say this is the happiest you’ve been
Is it worth living in sin?
To keep lying?
I myself am conniving.
Lust is the force that keep driving
stringing us along.
I wish we never tried to move on
More so never went along.
With the lies we were telling
Tired of my soul I was selling.
When I try to say what’s true
Everyone believes in you
What is there for me
when honesty isn’t the best policy?
I’m getting too old
for this back and forth play.
I actually remember the day
When you left it was a shame,
couldn’t ever remember my name
I swore I wouldn’t be the same,
Never fall in love again
Then things changed
Lufe has been strange
I’ve been thinking
How we fall in relationships
in love with them
Willing to make mistakes again
Lying about living in sin
If only to continue in them
If you don’t believe in God
It’s easier to continue a facade
We want to protect our place
You’ll lie to his face
Decide relationships by race
I must face it 
we were complacent
We could taste it
on our lips 
We could not continue like this
At least I couldn’t
I told you you shouldn’t.
Right the wrongs
Against those you loved
There’s blood in my mouth
Though I never bit my tongue. 
Your speech suggests
Your love is a leech
draining all of that blood
flowing in your heart
It shouldn’t be startling news
that you abused trust
for lust
This is what selfish love
does to us. 

Love, Religion, and Everything Between

You walked through dark valleys with me
Though I’m not God
I’m your next closest thing
You called me your love
Love is your religion
Where are we
but on a collision. 
You betrayed me
You must be Eve
 thinking yourself Adam
You best believe 
I can see that bulge
from me
in your throat.
I’m your serpent
is that how you cope?
After…
I fell into my room
Tell me what looms
Over the mountains and gloom
I knew prayer was thrilling
sitting, willing
my heart to stop beating
I was cheating progress
while you were just cheating.
Is that what it means to be forsaken?
How could anyone
Believe a lie so blatant?
You make me lose faith in humanity.
You made me lose faith in me…
I thought I found it 
till I later found it
I’m confounded
when surrounded
by faith so clouded
Friend said buy it, try
on a smoke and eat diet
with a sleep in lifestyle
it was a while
before a natural smile
crossed my face.
Is this “love”?
I may talk to you again,
Who’d consider loving 
your God a sin,
but those who don’t understand?
I feel in love with a stranger
Now I demand
5 years
my life
to forget love
to forgive strife.
This is the prison I’m living in.
Just to fall in love again.